Book List and a Rather Long Train of Thought

I think the only bad thing about my overnight shifts is having the time to think and analyze. In the quiet of night is when peoples worst thoughts tend to surface, I am quickly finding. With all this time to analyze I think I have summed up my relationships issues that I keep bitching about...lol, I think. What I really need is to feel connected. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband or a whatever. I just need a person, a person to connect with on a deeper level. Someone with whom I can share the dark corners of my mind with and not feel judged or ugly or evil or stupid or any of those negative words.

I want to utterly stress that I have an amazing family and the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I am not alone in life, I am not lonely. But you have to admit that when you get to a certain age your friends and family are great but you need more. I need to to feel connected to someone on this planet that will understand me in a way that my family and friends cannot. I don't feel alone, I feel disconnected which makes me feel stagnate.

I landed full time work at my job which is great and I think I finally have my school problems figured out and I can start in the fall which is amazing and I am so excited but for now, until the fall, I am going to have tons of time to think and ponder and analyze and create issues where perhaps there aren't any, so...I came across this list of 26 books "that will change the way you look at the world." 26 books is a lot of books that can take up a lot of time. I think that this will be my spring/summer project. I think I need a perspective change any ways.

Some of these books sound awesome and others not so much. However, I am going to trust the list and just read them all anyways. Right now I am reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed, which is not on the list but I am going to add it to my list cause so far its been a pretty thought provoking book. So my list is 27. Whew! I am going to be behind in my shows! I think I am good with that though. I have been spending far too much time in front of a screen and even though its to "connect" with people over social media I somehow feel extremely disconnected after I pour hours in to my laptop. I know cutting down my indoor hours and taking a book, a blanket and my dogs to a park to read will make me not feel so disconnected and unattached.

Love is a funny thing. It's tricky. It often is disguised as something else or sometimes (most of the time) its not even there when you think you feel its presence. After reflecting on past relationships I have come to the conclusion that in all but one relationship I wasn't "loved" nearly as much as I "loved." I am the type person who would quite literally throw myself in front of bus for another person. I always pour my heart and soul in to whatever relationship I am in and I give everything I have. I spend my days thinking of how I can help them or support them or be better for them. I only now realize that I give too much too soon and expect them to do the same in return and when they don't I make excuses for them as to why their not and as to why I am okay with it. But I am never okay with it. I don't think I can cry myself to sleep anymore because I love someone who doesn't love me. For the very first time in my life I honestly believe it when people say I deserve better. I deserve to be loved as much as I love because honestly it shouldn't be any other way for anyone, not just me, but for all of you too, for this whole planet, we all deserve a person who loves us enough to jump in front of a fricken bus. It goes back to what I said earlier about connecting. That's all that love is, connection. The understanding of another persons struggles and triumphs and accepting them despite everything. Love isn't something you think about, its something you do. My last "relationship" ended because he was "afraid of commitment" when in all honesty that's bullshit because if I was truly loved by that person being "committed" to me wouldn't have even been a question. We just would have been together and that would have been that but I allowed myself to not be loved how I ought too, I allowed myself to make excuses for this person and to accept less than I deserve which is to be loved without question. I will never make that mistake again. I love this person but he did not love me and I deserve to be loved so I will find someone who will love me and allow me to love them.

Anyways! That was quiet a tangent. My fingers just went off on their own there for a minute. Okay the books. The books that will change my point of view on the world are as follows.

1. Outliers; Malcolm Gladwell
2. The complete Calivn and Hobbes series; Bill Watterson
3. Candide; Voltarie
4. The Omnivores Dilemma; Michael Pollan
5. The Last Lecture; Randy Pausch
6. The World is Flat; Thomas L. Friedman
7. The Sandman; Neil Gaimen
8. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar; Junot Diaz
9. Middlesex; Jeffery Eugenides
10. The Hogfather; Terry Pratchett
11. A Peoples History of the United States; Howard Zinn
12. Thinking, Fast and Slow; Daniel Kahneman
13. Hallucinations; Oliver Sacks
14. Discipline and Punishment; Michael Foucceult
15. Stiff; Mary Roach
16. Slaughterhouse-Five; Kurt Vonnegut
17. The Stranger; Albert Camus
18. Lets Explore Diabetes with Owls; David Sedaris
19. Ishmael, Danieal Quinn
20. Sex at Dawn; Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha
21. A Short History of Nearly Everything; Bill Bryson
22. Beloved; Toni Morrosion
23. The Harry Potter Series; J.K. Rowling
24. Random Family; Adrian Nicole LeBlanc
25. The House; Edith Wharton
26. The Book Thief; Markus Zusak

My Addition:

27. Wild; Cheryl Strayed

Wow! That's a lot of books. Luckily I can count Harry Potter out cause I have read all those a few times over. AWESOME! I love Harry Potter. The rest however, are brand new to me. I don't know how I got through high school without reading Slaughterhouse-Five cause I am pretty sure that was a requirement but yeah, have not read it. I am excited to dive in to these books and see what they have to offer. I am excited to finally understand what it is I need from another human being and I am excited to finally have all these thoughts out of my head and off my chest! Thanks for reading. I will most likely be doing little book reviews as I am reading. Feel free to read along with me. I am currently reading Wild and next I am going to pick up Stiff. I am very intrigued by that one. Alight, I am going to go do some work now. Goodnight all!

Keeping Up

It is so daunting sometimes thinking about all the things that one has to do to keep things straight and in order to feel on tops of things and organized (that's a lot of "things" in one sentence). Have a chore list, cook ahead to save time, coupon to save money, exercise to look good, study harder to get better grades, spend less to be financially fit, start saving for retirement, find someone to start a life with, keep up on the maintenance of your car, clean out the tubes in your vacuum cleaner so it wont break on you, have a girls night at least once a month so you still feel social, pay your bills, have a good credit score, work on your DIY projects, fix your friends pants, organize your bathroom, grow a garden to have healthy food and cut back on the grocery bill, go grocery shopping, make to-do lists, read books, watch documentaries so you learn something, watch your guilty pleasure tv shows, walk your dogs, train your dogs, get at least 7 hours of sleep, drink 8 glasses of water a day, take some time to relax (yeah right), etc etc etc....omg I want to cry after just writing that!! How is one supposed to do all the things you are supposed to do in one day?!

 I mean if you focus on one thing, lets say exercise. I want to get in better shape an be healthier but by spending extra time going to the gym and planning workouts one of those other things will suffer. I feel like no matter what you do one thing in your life will always be lacking. For me it's mostly sleep that ends up taking a back seat which in turn makes me tired and cranky and sick so I can't do the things I meant to do when I decided not to sleep in the first place. You following me or am I too far out there now? Anyways, I am not saying I am the only one who experiences this and I don't even have kids or a boyfriend/husband! Oy to think of what some of you have to go through, I don't know how the people with families do it! There's just never enough time and our culture has glorified being busy so I always feel like I need to be doing something. Always moving always working. It's exhausting.

I think I am having a prolonged anxiety attack, not a huge one all at once but a slow painful drawn out attack that just lingers above my head at all times. Its stressful. I really need to figure out how to be a better adult because right now, even with my planner and my million and one to-do lists I can't quite help but feel like I am failing miserably. Anyone else feeling this way? Anyone feel like they suck at being an adult? Can't we just cut out all this extra shit that we feel like we have to do to impress other people and make it seem like we have perfect lives? I just want to do nothing but by doing nothing that makes me "lazy" and is generally frowned upon. I don't think I'm cut out to be an American. I think I belong somewhere that moves at a slower pace and puts less value on things such as being productive and staying busy and always reaching for more. Italy maybe? I don't know. I don't even have a passport, I should work on that. Anyways, that's all for now.

Screw It

Screw it! It's late, I am pulling an all night shift at work and had an extremely emotional day today in the ways of men. I am so sick of putting my all in to things and getting nothing but scraps and a bunch of "I'm to busy for a relationship"s. So screw it, actually fuck it. Yup that's where I am at. No one that I love wants my love so I guess I will just focus on my work, school and working out like hell at the gym.

I hate it when my guy friends always say nice guys finish last. Well you know what. Nice girls finish last too. What the eff is wrong with my generation? Everyone is so afraid of commitment and the men rarely treat a woman how they are supposed too and I get so many surprised looks or comments when I am actually treat them well. And most of them freak out about it and bail. Who doesn't want to be treated with respect and love!? It's all messed up. Living in a stupid college town doesn't help either. This is a complete rant but I'm tired, pissy and feeling used so pardon my harsh tone and my vulgar language. Hope all of you are having better luck than I am!

Rant of the Day

Being single sucks. The people who are in committed relationships or are married should feel lucky because dating, dating blows. Let's just call it. The thought of finding someone and getting to know them seems all great and exciting but really its just an anxiety ridden moment in time where you end up acting like a crazy person. Should I ask him this? It is okay for me to wear this? How interested is he in me? Do I text him first today? Should I text him at all? Should I call him? He hasn't asked me out in a week so that must mean he has found someone else. Am I being too needy? I should probably go workout and lose a few pounds. UGH!!! I never feel as unsure and unhappy as I am when I am single. I know it should be a time to take to enjoy yourself and learn and grow and all that bullshit but really, its a time that I end up feeling ugly and unwanted. It totally totally blows. 

I am a master at ruining new beginnings. I'm the little girl who gets a new puppy and loves its so much that I end up strangling it. Yup, I am one of those "clingy" girls. It's disgusting and believe me, no one hates it more than me. But I get so excited to take care of someone and spend my time with them that I get overwhelmed with emotion and lose control of my actions. It's terrible. If there was ever someone who was to win a contest at ruining good things, that would be this girl folks! To all of you happily attached people....I'm jealous and congratulations, its rough out here. 

It is apparently really hard to find someone who you can home to and will listen to your ups and downs and actually want to see you and makes you feel loved and needed. Whats a girl gotta do! And timing my friends really truly is everything. It's like all the stars have to line up for things to work out. 

On a good note. I started my CNA program last week and I think I will do pretty well. I am about to do some studying actually. I think I may just completely throw myself in to school and work and try to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely end up an old maid with somewhere around 10 dogs to keep me company...and my mother, my mother thinks I'm special. 

Well, that's my rant for the day. Anyone know any handsome single men that like crazy women with good intentions?

Tired...Tir...Ti...zzzzzzzz

Holy shit balls! Pardon my language. None of my healthcare friends were kidding about their facilitates/hospitals/whatever always being under staffed or them being overworked. I don't think I have been this tired in years, if ever. 

It all started on Sunday with a 10:45pm to 7:15am shift followed by a 2:45pm to 11:15pm shift than quickly followed by a 6:45am to 8pm shift and this type of schedule is what I have been doing for the last 2 months. There's a great personal accomplishment or a feel good feeling you get from helping someone who needs your help because they are unable to help themselves and after working this job for a short period of time I know I love it, well most of it. 

After cleaning up bodily fluids and poking and prodding people in their most intimate places I kept thinking to myself, Idaho's minimum wage is definitely not enough for this. It's rewarding but I need to quickly get past this CNA thing and on to my RN so I can actually start making a paycheck that covers all my bills! That's a whole other stress and issue...bills...I have too many. 

I don't know how I have the energy to even write this post. But I somehow have caught a ninth wind and can't calm my stupid effing brain! Soooo I think I will put on my favorite movie (Julie and Julia, love it!) and work on this awesome crochet scarf with the most adorable colors (I will post pictures when I am done) and try to get some R&R because tomorrow I very luckily only have to work 3 hours. Whew! 

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that everyone has hard crap to deal with in their lives, but like I said in my first post, this is a place for venting! So if you have some stresses and bugaboo's please post them below, maybe we can all gain comfort in each others miseries! 

The Change Up

So the thing about me is that I am a little crazy. Let's just get that out of the way right off the bat. I am constantly all over the place with everything, my life, my hobbies, my dating life, my location of residence, my blogs (this is like my 5th one that I've started) and my education. 

I'm one of those 26 year olds where most of my friends have or are getting their lives together and starting families and I am over here in my own little bubble tripping over myself trying to figure things out. I always have tons of plans but they rarely pan out and I often put stuff off I don't want to deal with because I keep hoping that by ignoring it "it" will go away, but as I am sure you have guessed, that literally has never happened. Ignoring stuff just makes the situation worse, I really need to work on that. 

This blog originally started out as a crafting/crocheting blog. I sew and crochet mostly but I do other crap too. But I quickly realized that my life is a little crazy to keep up with consistent posts about projects that I sometimes don't have the time to finish. SO now it is just a blog in which I talk about my sometimes not so interesting life and pretend like it is important and people want to read about it. HA! Isn't that what blogs are all about anyways? Well we will see, I'd like to think of this as a live journal and perhaps we can all complain together and hopefully figure things out along the way!

Currently it is almost 2am and I am at work at the nursing home I work at. The overnight shift is my favorite. It's easy and I have tons of free time to do stuff like blog and watch movies! It's awesome. I wish I could only work night shifts. I just started here a month ago and its my first job in the healthcare field and I am excited because I hope to be a Nurse/Nutritionist at some point (if I can get my school stuff figured out) but I am not great at it yet because I am new to it and often don't really understand what is going on. It's frustrating. I am however starting a CNA program here in the next week so perhaps by the time I am certified I will finally get with the program here! 

It is sometimes a little stressful because I am handing out pills and if I majorly mess up I could seriously hurt someone. I get worked up about it sometimes because I don't ever want to hurt someone or cause them any pain or discomfort. It can be a little dirty or gross at times but when you have to do something you kind of just get over it. Anyways, here's my first post. I hope to be better about actually keeping up on my posts. They will probably be all over the place in topics I'd like to say I am sorry about that but I'm not. It's who I am, welcome to my brain everyone!