I think the only bad thing about my overnight shifts is having the time to think and analyze. In the quiet of night is when peoples worst thoughts tend to surface, I am quickly finding. With all this time to analyze I think I have summed up my relationships issues that I keep bitching about...lol, I think. What I really need is to feel connected. I don't need a boyfriend or a husband or a whatever. I just need a person, a person to connect with on a deeper level. Someone with whom I can share the dark corners of my mind with and not feel judged or ugly or evil or stupid or any of those negative words.
I want to utterly stress that I have an amazing family and the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I am not alone in life, I am not lonely. But you have to admit that when you get to a certain age your friends and family are great but you need more. I need to to feel connected to someone on this planet that will understand me in a way that my family and friends cannot. I don't feel alone, I feel disconnected which makes me feel stagnate.
I landed full time work at my job which is great and I think I finally have my school problems figured out and I can start in the fall which is amazing and I am so excited but for now, until the fall, I am going to have tons of time to think and ponder and analyze and create issues where perhaps there aren't any, so...I came across this list of 26 books "that will change the way you look at the world." 26 books is a lot of books that can take up a lot of time. I think that this will be my spring/summer project. I think I need a perspective change any ways.
Some of these books sound awesome and others not so much. However, I am going to trust the list and just read them all anyways. Right now I am reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed, which is not on the list but I am going to add it to my list cause so far its been a pretty thought provoking book. So my list is 27. Whew! I am going to be behind in my shows! I think I am good with that though. I have been spending far too much time in front of a screen and even though its to "connect" with people over social media I somehow feel extremely disconnected after I pour hours in to my laptop. I know cutting down my indoor hours and taking a book, a blanket and my dogs to a park to read will make me not feel so disconnected and unattached.
Love is a funny thing. It's tricky. It often is disguised as something else or sometimes (most of the time) its not even there when you think you feel its presence. After reflecting on past relationships I have come to the conclusion that in all but one relationship I wasn't "loved" nearly as much as I "loved." I am the type person who would quite literally throw myself in front of bus for another person. I always pour my heart and soul in to whatever relationship I am in and I give everything I have. I spend my days thinking of how I can help them or support them or be better for them. I only now realize that I give too much too soon and expect them to do the same in return and when they don't I make excuses for them as to why their not and as to why I am okay with it. But I am never okay with it. I don't think I can cry myself to sleep anymore because I love someone who doesn't love me. For the very first time in my life I honestly believe it when people say I deserve better. I deserve to be loved as much as I love because honestly it shouldn't be any other way for anyone, not just me, but for all of you too, for this whole planet, we all deserve a person who loves us enough to jump in front of a fricken bus. It goes back to what I said earlier about connecting. That's all that love is, connection. The understanding of another persons struggles and triumphs and accepting them despite everything. Love isn't something you think about, its something you do. My last "relationship" ended because he was "afraid of commitment" when in all honesty that's bullshit because if I was truly loved by that person being "committed" to me wouldn't have even been a question. We just would have been together and that would have been that but I allowed myself to not be loved how I ought too, I allowed myself to make excuses for this person and to accept less than I deserve which is to be loved without question. I will never make that mistake again. I love this person but he did not love me and I deserve to be loved so I will find someone who will love me and allow me to love them.
Anyways! That was quiet a tangent. My fingers just went off on their own there for a minute. Okay the books. The books that will change my point of view on the world are as follows.
1. Outliers; Malcolm Gladwell
2. The complete Calivn and Hobbes series; Bill Watterson
3. Candide; Voltarie
4. The Omnivores Dilemma; Michael Pollan
5. The Last Lecture; Randy Pausch
6. The World is Flat; Thomas L. Friedman
7. The Sandman; Neil Gaimen
8. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar; Junot Diaz
9. Middlesex; Jeffery Eugenides
10. The Hogfather; Terry Pratchett
11. A Peoples History of the United States; Howard Zinn
12. Thinking, Fast and Slow; Daniel Kahneman
13. Hallucinations; Oliver Sacks
14. Discipline and Punishment; Michael Foucceult
15. Stiff; Mary Roach
16. Slaughterhouse-Five; Kurt Vonnegut
17. The Stranger; Albert Camus
18. Lets Explore Diabetes with Owls; David Sedaris
19. Ishmael, Danieal Quinn
20. Sex at Dawn; Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha
21. A Short History of Nearly Everything; Bill Bryson
22. Beloved; Toni Morrosion
23. The Harry Potter Series; J.K. Rowling
24. Random Family; Adrian Nicole LeBlanc
25. The House; Edith Wharton
26. The Book Thief; Markus Zusak
My Addition:
27. Wild; Cheryl Strayed
Wow! That's a lot of books. Luckily I can count Harry Potter out cause I have read all those a few times over. AWESOME! I love Harry Potter. The rest however, are brand new to me. I don't know how I got through high school without reading Slaughterhouse-Five cause I am pretty sure that was a requirement but yeah, have not read it. I am excited to dive in to these books and see what they have to offer. I am excited to finally understand what it is I need from another human being and I am excited to finally have all these thoughts out of my head and off my chest! Thanks for reading. I will most likely be doing little book reviews as I am reading. Feel free to read along with me. I am currently reading Wild and next I am going to pick up Stiff. I am very intrigued by that one. Alight, I am going to go do some work now. Goodnight all!
